HUMBLE...

Humble...That is the word that best describes me right now. Lessons are often learned in this life that God wants us to learn, so that we are humble, so that we remember the things Jesus Christ went through. The past two months as I have had panic attacks in my closet and cried so hard I thought my heart would stop beating, the lessons I have learned along these difficult times are truly priceless. I am nowhere near healed, or even really begun the healing proccess, but I know I will get there soon. For those of you who are unaware of my circumstances, Dan and I are currently separated, and I plan on filing for divorce in January. Plan is the main word there, because my life motto is "you never know". I wont go into details as to why on here, but if you are curious, you can always ask. Wether I am ready to answer your questions at the time you ask is yet to be seen, and please know that I am not trying to be rude, I just have a very hard time with the answers to these questions. But, like me, everyone, I am sure is curious as to the "why". All I will say is that it is not my decision. We will leave it at that. Truly as a lot of my posts from my past super hard lessons, I am posting this one to help all of you. PLEASE hold your marriages dear. Remember that wonderful beautiful person you met and fell head over heals in love with. Stop reading right now and go there in your head....
Now, take those wonderful feelings you felt with your spouse and renew them. Go to your spouse and tell them how wonderful, beautiful, handsome, funny, amazing, sexy, adventurous, and all over the love of your life. Do this today. Do it everyday. Even after they piss you off with a comment, or the baby is having a bad day, or you are mad at your friend, sister, mom, dad, whoever. STOP. It's so not worth it to let those things into your life or home, and interfere with your family. Remember what makes you happy. Do it. If it is running, or dancing, skiing, playing games, riding a dirt bike, camping, playing in the snow. Do it. Do it all the time, or you will loose yourself. Make plans with your spouse, and follow through. Don't say you will date later, or next week. Do it now. Make that and the passion you feel for one another a top priority. always. We all get caught up in "crap" everyday. WHY? I don't know. Go back to the beginning when it was simple, and try your best to stay there emotionally, and let life take its course. Keep God in your life, always, and if you feel your spouse slipping away from God, do whatever you can within your power to bring them back. I'm not talking about religion, just remembering God, and keeping him centered in your life at all times, wether you are mormon or not. The simple virtues of God will keep anyone grounded, and give them some sort of foundation to work with, then religion choice can come in. I am writing this as a little reminder to all of the ones I love so much so that they never end up in my situation, because I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. There is nothing like it, and until you have been through it, I promise you will never fully understand. So please, remember your spouse today, everyday.
As for me, you all are wondering, am I okay? No. Not really. If I am perfectly honest, absolutely not okay. But, I want you all to know that I know in my heart and soul that I will be okay. There is a future out there for me, and I know it can be great. I am absolutely terrified to be the ever so cliche' single mom. I am working with a beyond beautiful counselor right now, who completely gets me. He is helping me with so many decisions and helping me work through so much it has been wonderful. I still cannot find a full time job, out of anytime in my life ever I have never had a difficult time finding work. I think there is a reason for this right now, and I am sure the job will come when I am good and ready to perform well. I really am getting antsy though, because I look forward to going back and being with the people, and serving others on a daily basis. That truly makes me happy. I am going to begin training as a fighter of the martial art sport known as Muay Thai. Why? Good question! I have always wanted to learn this martial art, and figured now is better than ever, besides, I need to hit something and not go to jail. Will I actually fight people, like in a ring, professionally? Not sure, I am kinda old for that, but if I do well, then the answer is yes. I would love for you all to get a diet coke, some popcorn, and cheer me on:) I believe I will do very well with it, and cannot wait! I am looking forward to feeling better, although that has not come as of yet. I know time is the key, and I have been told by many that my lesson here is patience. WOW. That sucks. But, hey, whaddaya do right? I do know that the one thing out of all of this, my beautiful daughter, Makayla, is meant to be here on this earth with me. She is the only reason I get out of bed, and the only reason I smile so much. I had a dream about her before she was concieved, and know without a doubt she was waiting for me and Dan. Without her, I honestly don't know where I would be right now, because of my past, I could have chosen a very different path had I not had this wonderful baby girl. She keeps me sane and grounded. She reminds me that it's not okay to go hurt people because she needs her mommy. That, my friends, is magical. Children are MAGICAL. Well, I will continue to post as I feel the need, and hope you all remember the lessons learned here. LOVE is the key to happiness, so work for it. Because, like my motto, you never know when you could wake up one day and it could be gone.